Quick warning: this is a longer post, so take breaks if you need them.
As Tracy Otsuka, a neurodivergent feminist and podcaster, reflected in her book ADHD for Smart Ass Women (2023), “By making our purpose personal, it can provide meaning to our past.” My past, present, and purpose are heavily shaped by my lived experiences as a neurodivergent woman, and I’m still learning how to make meaning of it all.
I was lucky enough to be diagnosed with ADHD, NVLD, anxiety, and TS at age five, thanks to an observant mother and an older brother who had recently been diagnosed with ASD. Several of my friends weren’t as fortunate, and it negatively impacted their lives. But even with many supports — therapies, accommodations, and medications — I often felt alone.
From my friends’ stories, my own experiences, and what I’ve learned in school, I know that people who learn and think differently can thrive despite challenges — but only if we recognize our strengths and have the resources to use them. That’s why my purpose is to use my strengths to help people like my friends and me thrive rather than struggle.
Through my journey, I’ve discovered many of my strengths linked to my neurodivergence: noticing details, connecting patterns, storytelling, observation, and multitasking. Now that I’m closer to thirty than twenty, I finally feel ready to tell my story and share some things I wish I could tell teenage me.
- You can be angry at someone or something and never forgive them but still feel love. We are all humans. Your parents nagging and not letting you do things is beyond annoying, but they’re usually trying to use their experiences and the wisdom they got from their parents to spare you pain. On a larger scale, you can believe an organization, institution, state, or country is doing harm and still believe in why it was created enough to want to make it better. To quote Elphaba in Wicked Part 2, home “is more than just a place, it’s a promise, an idea.”
- If you took the time to think it through, don’t let anyone make you feel like you’re impulsive for making a different choice in the same situation or liking something different from everyone else. Be an Android in an iPhone world. Be a proud hamster mom.
- You will never really feel like an adult. At some point, you’re able to sign for things and drink and people start expecting you to do more fun stuff like paying taxes. But there’s never a magic moment where you feel like you’ve arrived or that you have it all together. Because…
- What people say is true. NO ONE ever has it all together. Some people have more challenges than others. Some are just better at hiding them. But we all have them. So have some compassion for yourself and for the jerk who just said you look 12. Please have some decency and at least say 16 — I made the effort to put on makeup and wear wedges.
- The best days are often incredibly ordinary. Sometimes things get so crazy that the best thing is when both you and your husband are sick, so you spend the day together watching YouTube videos about gerbils.
- Don’t buy anything, text or call anyone, or decide anything important between 9 p.m. and 8 a.m. Just don’t do it. It almost never ends well.
- Don’t ask how to tackle challenges — ask why. On my first day of graduate school, a professor emphasized that asking “why” until reaching the root cause leads to more meaningful solutions. I didn’t really understand that lesson until very recently: trying to solve the wrong problem can keep you stuck no matter how hard you work.
- Sometimes, reaching your dreams means embracing a new vision for your future. I’ve always wanted to help others like me feel less alone. As a teenager, I truly believed that becoming a therapist was the only way. I’ve made a lot of mistakes trying to make that happen. My newer mistakes finally led me to the “why” behind those bad decisions: I was trying to overcome my challenges without embracing my strengths. That means making room for a new vision for how to make my dreams happen: researching and designing interventions that make the world a little easier for people like me and my friends. Letting go is really hard, but I’m finally ready to do the work.
- Don’t go to graduate school until you’ve had some work and life experience. For most people, that means not going right after undergrad. That’s when I made most of my mistakes. As much as it stinks, your mistakes teach you your strengths and challenges. Once you have a master’s degree and a “big girl” job, the price of those mistakes gets much higher. I would know.
- It sounds super cliché, but things feel that much sweeter when you wait. It stinks when you have to put a goal on hold because you don’t have enough support, but when you finally have that support and reach it, it’s a huge dopamine rush because you did it for yourself and not because people pushed you. I only got my driver’s license last fall — the day before my birthday and the day Wicked Part 2 came out — thanks to my incredible husband, and it’s one of the only times I can honestly say I was proud of something I’ve done.