Written with my friend, Copilot
For many people, it’s really hard to remember new skills when you need them. I’m definitely one of them, so I’m always thinking of fun ways to make it easier. One strategy I find helps is to make a mnemonic, or think of a word where each letter stands for something else.
Social skills are one of those areas where you have to remember lots of skills at once, so I came up with the HEART skill. It has 5 parts:
- H – Notice What’s Happening
- E – Explore Everyone’s Feelings
- A – Assess Their Goals
- R – Remember Your Goals
- T – Take Action and See What Happens
These steps can help you pause and figure out how you want to respond.
Now, let’s go through each one.
Step 1: Notice What’s Happening
What to do: Look around and notice the situation – where you are, who’s there, and what’s going on.
Example: You’re sitting at lunch with your friends. You’re wearing the new shoes you saved up for all summer – you’re so proud of them! Then someone at your table makes a mean comment about your shoes.
Step 2: Explore Everyone’s Feelings
What to do: Notice your own thoughts and feelings. Then think about the other person’s feelings and make it clear that you understand them. This is called validation – you don’t have to agree with them (especially because they hurt), but you can acknowledge how they’re feeling.
Example: You feel really hurt because you worked so hard to buy those shoes and you love them. You might say something like, “I can see you don’t like my shoes. And that’s OK.”
Step 3: Assess Their Goals
What to do: Try to understand why they’re acting this way. What’s their goal?
Example: You know that sometimes people say mean things when they’re feeling bad about themselves. Maybe they’re trying to make you feel bad about your shoes because they feel insecure about something in their own life.
Step 4: Remember Your Goals
What to do: Get clear on your own goal. What do you want to happen?
Example: Your goal might be to let them know that their comment hurt you, while also standing up for yourself. You could say something like, “I actually love these shoes. I saved up all summer for them, and it hurts my feelings when you criticize them.”
Step 5: Take Action and See What Happens
What to do: Do something based on both your goals and theirs. Then pay attention to how they react and be ready to change strategies.
Example: After you speak up, watch what happens:
- If they apologize or drop it, great! It’s probably over.
- If they keep being mean or escalate, you can say something like “This conversation isn’t going anywhere good,” walk away, and start talking to other friends.
Remember: You don’t have to be perfect at this! These steps take practice, and most people struggle with them sometimes. The more you use them, the more natural they’ll become.
Important Safety Note: That example was bullying. If someone continues criticizing you or doing mean things to hurt you on purpose, please tell someone you trust like a teacher, counselor, friend, or family member. You deserve to feel safe and respected.
References
- Eich, J. (2015). Interpersonal Effectiveness Module. In Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Training with Adolescents: A Practical Workbook for Therapists, Teens, & Parents (pp. 74-78, 80, 84-99).
- Garcia-Winner, M., & Crooke, P. (2022, May 1). Social Perspective Taking & The 5 Steps of Being with Others. Social Thinking. https://www.socialthinking.com/articles/social-perspective-taking
- Social Thinking. (n.d.). Recognizing and Understanding Our Own & Other’s Thoughts, Feelings, & Behaviors. https://www.socialthinking.com/perspective-taking-thoughts-feelings-behaviors