Originally written in 2025
There are many books on being neurotypical in a neurodivergent relationship. After I got engaged to a fantastic neurodivergent man, I realized that pretty much all of them have two paragraphs max on what it’s like when you and your partner are both neurodivergent. The fact that almost no book for couples like us existed was shocking, considering how many neurodivergent women I know are in relationships with other neurodivergent people.
I will write a book devoted to the subject after I’ve been married for ten years (please hold me to that promise). But after almost a year of marriage and a graduate degree in social work, I feel qualified to share what I’ve learned from experience and research about being in romantic relationships when you’re neurodivergent — especially when both partners are.
1. Trust your instincts about when to disclose.
I don’t recommend saying it the first time you meet, but I strongly believe you can’t build a solid relationship without both people knowing they’re accepted unconditionally. Wait until you feel confident they’ll understand, and look for a natural moment to bring it up. Only you know when that is. You know you have a good foundation if they respond by sharing something private too.
Because we were both in our twenties, my husband and I laid everything out early. I told him I had ADHD on our second in‑person date (we were a pandemic couple) while talking about my recent drug control law rant in my drugs and behavior class (which I’ve repeated so often I regret not tape‑recording it). He stopped me and told me he also has ADHD. He asked me to be his girlfriend over text later that day.
2. Create habits that show you care.
When I lived with my parents, I texted him every morning, and we would FaceTime every night — even if it was just to say goodnight. He always responded. And on the rare days I forgot, he would take the lead instead. No matter what, we could count on each other to be part of our morning and evening routines. Being able to reliably do the small things helps you build up to bigger things (like laundry).
3. Know that getting frustrated is OK.
If they leave the dishes undone or forget something important, it’s normal to feel annoyed. Just breathe, remember you probably do things that annoy them too, and gently tell them how you feel. Early in a relationship, it’s harder to notice someone’s quirks, so it can feel surprising when they start to show up. But this is actually a good sign — it means you’re comfortable with each other. They feel safe enough not to mask around you, and you feel the same way.
Their quirks will always exist, and so will yours. What matters is that when you bring them up, you name them for what they are — quirks — and take responsibility for your own. Help each other brainstorm ways to handle them. This shows that you’re both committed to helping each other reach your individual goals and become the best versions of yourselves.
4. Create a code word to help with emotional regulation.
Two ADHDers can act like two powerful spices in the same dish: most of the time, they’re an amazing combination, but sometimes it’s a bit too much and one of you needs to admit you need milk. In this analogy, you and your partner are each a spice that isn’t blending well — maybe they forgot to put something on your shared calendar and got defensive. If you don’t take time to cool down (get the milk), the situation will get more intense and you’ll both say things you regret.
But if the milk is in another room, and you don’t know where it is, and they don’t notice you need it, you won’t get the milk unless you say something. One way to make asking for milk guilt‑free is to create a code word that means “I need a moment to regulate.” Choose something fun you’ll both remember. Write it down somewhere.
5. Make time for fun.
Everyone needs time to relax, and people relax in different ways. Some enjoy being around others. Some need an hour alone to play the Nintendo Switch. Talk about what downtime looks like for each of you and come up with things you can do together that meet both of your needs. Also decide how you’ll let each other know when you need alone time and roughly how long you’ll need.
And when those spontaneous funny moments happen, don’t rush past them. Put down your phone and run around the yard with him in circles. Enjoy the moment.